Hi, I’m Janet. I’m a mom of three—a 5-year-old daughter and twin 3-year-old boys. Lately, it feels like my kids won’t listen unless I start yelling, and it’s taking a toll on me. I try staying calm, but after asking over and over, I end up raising my voice. I hate feeling like I’ve lost control and feeling guilty afterwards. What am I doing wrong? Is there a better way? How Can I Get My Kids to Listen Without Yelling?
Expert Answer
Hi Janet, first of all, thank you for sharing your struggles—what you’re feeling is so common, and you’re not alone. It’s tough when you feel like raising your voice is the only way for your kids to hear you.
I had the same experience when my kids were young, and I always felt humiliated and judged myself. It was so frustrating because we didn’t have the knowledge and courage to seek help. But the fact that you’re here, looking for a different approach, shows how much you care and how much you want to do things differently, and that’s such an essential first step.
Yelling might get their attention for a moment. Still, as you’ve already noticed, it needs to create the kind of connection or cooperation you’re looking for. Your kid will give you attention now, but it will be the same if you are one minute late.
The good news? There are ways to get your kids to listen without yelling, and here are practical strategies that can help you and your kids feel more connected and calm.
Here’s How to make a child listen without shouting
1. Connection Comes Before Correction
Do you know how it’s hard to focus on anything else when frustrated or upset? Kids are the same. Their listening ability goes out the window if they feel disconnected or misunderstood. That’s why connecting with them is crucial before jumping straight into a correction.
How to do this:
- – Get on their level—literally: Sit or kneel so you’re eye-to-eye. This small act makes a big difference. It shows your child you’re there with them, not towering over them. It helps make communication feel safe and personal.
- – Use a warm, calm tone: Adults like to have conversations with peaceful people who do not judge or be authoritative to us; it’s the same thing for kids. Keep your tone soft and steady when talking to your kids, even when frustrated.
- It’s incredible how much more responsive kids are when they feel their parents’ kindness rather than frustration.
- – Acknowledge their emotions: Kids sometimes don’t listen because they’re overwhelmed. You can say something like, “I see you’re feeling upset. Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” Acknowledging their feelings can make them feel seen and heard, opening the door to better listening.
2. Set Clear Expectations )
We’ve all been there—you’ve asked your child to do something multiple times, and you’re ready to scream for the third or fourth time. But here’s the thing: sometimes, kids aren’t listening because they’re unsure what we’re asking.
How to set clear expectations with the kids:
- – Be specific: Instead of saying, “Behave!” or “Stop that!” give clear, direct instructions. For example, “Please put your shoes in the basket” is something they can easily understand and follow.
- – Use positive language: Rather than telling them what not to do, try focusing on what you want them to do. For example, instead of “Don’t run!” say, “Please walk.” This slight shift helps kids understand what’s expected and feels more positive for everyone.
- – Stick to routines: Predictability is a lifesaver for young kids. If they know that shoes go in the basket every time we come home or that bedtime always means brushing their teeth first, they’re less likely to resist or act out because they know what’s coming.
Being clear upfront helps avoid confusion and frustration—for both you and them.
3. Be the Calm in the Chaos
It’s hard to stay calm when everything feels spiralling out of control. But here’s the thing: kids mirror what they see. If we respond to stress by raising our voices, they’ll either shut down or react in kind. But if we can stay calm (even when it’s complicated), we’re showing them how to handle their own big emotions.
How to model calmness:
- – Pause before reacting: The moment you feel that frustration boiling up, take a breath. Step away for a second if you need to. Take time to reset before you respond. It’s not always easy, but it helps avoid saying or doing something you’ll regret later.
- – Speak softly, even when upset: It may seem counterintuitive, but lowering your voice can grab their attention more than shouting. It sends the message, “I’m in control, and I’m handling this calmly,” encouraging them to respond similarly.
- – Own your emotions: It’s okay to let them know you’re frustrated—but do it in a way that teaches them how to handle emotions. You could say, “I’m feeling frustrated because I’ve asked three times, and I need you to listen now, after telling them that your kids will think about that, and your response will teach them how to express their feelings without yelling. Staying calm isn’t just about getting them to listen at the moment; it’s about teaching them emotional regulation for the long run.
4. Empower Your Kids with Choices
Sometimes, kids don’t listen because they’re craving some control. They want to feel like they have a say in what’s happening. You can guide their behaviour by offering them choices while making them feel more independent.
How to offer choices to your kids:
- – Give two options: Instead of, “Put your clothes on now,” try, “Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue one?” Giving them a choice gives them a sense of power while still achieving the same goal.
- – Keep both options acceptable: Make sure you’re okay with both choices. That way, no matter what they choose, it’s a win-win.
- – Frame it positively: Rather than saying, “Clean your room now,” you can offer, “Would you like to start with the toys or the books?” Breaking tasks down into manageable choices makes them less overwhelming. Giving kids some control helps them feel empowered and more likely to cooperate.
5. Let Natural Consequences Do the Teaching
It’s tempting to jump to punishment when our kids won’t listen. But natural consequences are often much more effective in teaching them responsibility—and it doesn’t require yelling.
How to use natural consequences:
- – Let the consequence happen: If your child refuses to put on their shoes, the natural result is that they can’t go outside. There’s no need to get upset or punitive—just let them experience the consequences of their choice.
- – Stay calm: Let the consequence speak for itself. There is no need for “I told you so” or a lecture. The situation itself is the lesson.
- – Be empathetic: When the consequence unfolds, show empathy rather than anger. You can say, “I know you’re disappointed that we can’t go outside, but we can go once your shoes are on; THAT helps them feel supported, even when learning from their mistakes. Natural consequences are a gentle, effective way to teach without adding extra stress.
In Conclusion, It’s a Journey, Not a Quick Fix
Janet, I want to remind you—that getting kids to listen without yelling takes time, patience, and a lot of trial and error. It’s not about being perfect but finding small ways to connect, stay calm, and guide them through their big emotions.
You’re already doing a fantastic job by looking for ways to improve. Every small change you make today will lead to better communication and a stronger bond with your kids tomorrow.
Keep going. You are a good mother, and if you have more questions or need more advice, feel free to ask or book an appointment to speak to us.
