How to Get Control When Your Child Makes You Angry
Being a parent is one of the most beautiful experiences in life, but let us be honest: it can also be challenging. Our children bring us joy, but they also put our patience to the ultimate test. It is very acceptable to feel irritated at times. What matters is how we control our anger since it will significantly affect our relationship with our kids.
I would want to tell you an intimate story here. I used to feel overwhelmed when my children were young. They would argue over small things like who got to press the lift button or who got the most significant slice of cake; they seemed to have endless energy. No matter how much I reasoned or argued with them, they wouldn’t listen. I was tired both physically and emotionally,
I clearly remember an evening when my children were small. After a long and tiring day, I was in the kitchen attempting to make dinner. My two little children, Luka and Erica, began following each other around the kitchen, sobbing and disputing about the colours of the rainbow. I couldn’t understand why they were so outraged about something so easy. As their shouts got louder, I could feel my frustration bubbling up. I finally snapped. I spun around and cried, “Just stop it already!” The room went silent. They silently sat down.
Five minutes later, Erica fell onto Luka’s blanket by accident. Luka became enraged and, echoing my tone, yelled at her, “Just stop it already!” Hearing my harsh remarks mirrored back to me was like a punch in the belly. I felt a profound sensation of humiliation flood over me. I started asking myself, “Am I a good mother?” This encounter made me contemplate seriously, asking what was wrong with me. How can I better regulate my emotions with my children?
Expert Insights: Strategies to Control Anger Around Kids
Many parents face similar difficulties in anger management, a subject that psychologists have well examined.
Dr Laura Markham, the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids (Markham, 2012), explains that losing our temper can increase anxiety and misbehaviour in children. She says, “Your calmness in the face of chaos teaches your child how to manage stress.” Staying calm helps create a safe environment that supports your child’s emotional growth and resilience.
Similarly, Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist, found that children learn to manage their emotions by observing their parents. In his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997), he explains that when parents react angrily, children may adopt the same behaviour when dealing with their feelings. Modelling calm behaviour teaches children to handle their emotions healthily.
A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that frequent parental anger is linked to more behavioural problems in children (Nelson et al., 2009). This research highlights the importance of positive parenting strategies and suggests that parents’ reactions can significantly impact their children’s behaviour and emotional well-being.
Practical Tips to Manage Anger
So I decided to make some changes. Here are some easy ways that helped me deal with my anger:
When I felt my fury mounting, I paused and took a few deep breaths. It helped me relax and ponder before reacting.
Recognise My Triggers: I realised that some scenarios, such as the hurried time before supper or getting ready in the morning, were more stressful. Knowing this helped me mentally prepare and remain calm.
Express My Feelings Calmly: Instead of yelling, I tried to tell my children how I was feeling. I’ll say, “I’m feeling really frustrated right now because…” This allowed them to understand without feeling assaulted.
Set Clear Expectations: I realised that my children needed to understand what was expected of them. We discussed simple house rules like not running in the kitchen and taking turns with toys.
Practice Mindfulness: I began devoting a few minutes each day to relaxation, whether through meditation, stretching, or enjoying a cup of tea in peace. Taking care of oneself made a significant difference.
Reach Out for Support: I expressed my feelings to friends and relatives. It was comforting to know that I wasn’t alone, and they frequently offered helpful advice or simply listened. And without forgetting to seek the advice of specialists or experts.
Conclusion
It’s okay to feel angry sometimes—we’re human. What matters is how we deal with that anger. Learning to manage our emotions may create a happier atmosphere for our children and ourselves. After all, our actions influence what our children learn. When we handle difficult situations with patience and calmness, we teach them to do the same.
References
- Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.
- Markham, L. (2012). Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. TarcherPerigee.
- Nelson, J. A., O’Brien, M., Blankson, A. N., Calkins, S. D., & Keane, S. P. (2009). Family stress and parental responses to children’s negative emotions: Tests of the spillover, crossover, and compensatory hypotheses. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(5), 671–679. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015977)
