Parenting is much more than guiding your child along the “right path.” It is about giving them advice, unconditional love, and support as they develop their unique identities.
But sometimes, in our desire to protect them, we engage in controlling behaviour, believing that by managing every area of their lives, we demonstrate love. The harsh reality is that too much control may damage our relationship with our kids and cause them to feel imprisoned instead of being supported.
Testimony of Alice: A Mother Reflects on Her Controlling Behaviour
My daughter seemed to be the ideal child to satisfy my ego. She did whatever I requested without complaining, and I felt great since I thought I had raised a well-behaved, disciplined girl. But over time, I started to feel a growing distance between us, and she became quieter and more distant.
Then, one day, I saw a different side of her. I dropped her off at the church choir; 20 minutes later, I went to the grocery shop for a few things, and guess! Who did I meet there? I was shocked to meet her in the supermarket, but with a boy, acting very romantically like they were more than just friends. I hid, observing them, confused and hurt at the same time.
I started digging and asking questions, and what I uncovered broke my heart even more. She had been in a relationship with this boy for three years, and I knew nothing. It was even more painful because the parents of his boyfriends, siblings, and friends knew their relationship from the beginning. They knew something about my daughter, a significant component of her existence, that I was clueless about.
I felt terrible and had a depression that pushed me to seek a psychologist’s help, so I went deep t deep into my behaviours, and I realised how my controlling behaviour ruined my relationship with my kids.
The truth hit me hard: my controlling behaviour had built a wall between us. I was so focused on shaping her into the person I wanted her to be that I failed to recognise who she indeed was. I was so focused on shaping her into the person I wanted her to be that I failed to recognise who she indeed was.
I’m not proud of how I handled things. If I could turn back time, I’d do many things differently. I would have connected more, listened more, and managed less. This was a nasty wake-up call that still hurts today.
Understanding the Impact of Controlling Parenting (Psychologist Insights)
What Are Psychologists’ Insights on Controlling Parenting?
According to research, controlling parental behaviours might hurt children. A key study published in Child Development (2012) discovered that children raised by controlling parents frequently have anxiety, low self-esteem, and difficulties making decisions as they grow older.
The study emphasises the need to allow children to explore, make errors, and learn autonomously rather than just following rules and meeting expectations.
Teens who experience high levels of parental supervision are more likely to suffer from anxiety and despair, according to a study published in the Journal of Adolescence (2013). The study’s findings suggest that adolescents whose parents exhibit excessive control over their lives may suffer from low self-esteem and turn to dishonest behaviours to reclaim their independence.
According to another study published in Developmental Psychology (2015), children whose parents are overly controlling are more prone to aggressive behaviour and have trouble forming social interactions. A combination of oppression and a lack of autonomy may cause anger and rebellion.
The searches reflected what Alice’s testimony above revealed. Her daughter was looking for a place where she could be herself, free from the anxiety of criticism or punishment, not only attempting to maintain secrets. Like many others, Alice’s daughter yearned for the freedom to live her life free from her controlling mom.
Why Do Parents Become Controlling?
Understanding the reasons behind controlling behaviours is essential to address them effectively. Here are some common factors:
- Fear and Anxiety: Parents often worry about their children’s safety and future. The world can seem dangerous, and controlling their environment feels like a way to protect them.
- Desire for Success: Many parents want their children to achieve their fullest potential, sometimes pushing them toward goals they didn’t reach themselves.
- Cultural and Social Expectations: Societal pressures and cultural norms can influence strict parenting styles, making control seem necessary.
- Lack of Trust: Some parents doubt their children’s ability to make good decisions, so they supervise every choice.
10 Ways to Let Go of Being a Controlling Mom or Dad
Stopping controlling your kids can be difficult, but it is a process that leads to deeper relationships and healthy emotional growth for you and your child.
Here are practical measures, supported by psychological science, to help you transition away from controlling behaviours, as well as advice for other parents dealing with similar challenges:
- Self-Reflection: Take the time to analyse your parenting style honestly. Ask yourself if your desire for control stems from fear, anxiety, or unreasonable expectations. Recognising these feelings is the first step towards change.
- Connect Before You Correct: Before you reprimand your child’s behaviour, take the time to connect with them emotionally. Before you suggest ideas, try to grasp their point of view and demonstrate empathy; this increases trust and promotes open communication.
- Foster Open Communication: Create an environment where your child feels comfortable sharing their views and emotions. Apologising for past behaviour and demonstrating a desire to improve the relationship helps foster trust and openness.
- Empower Your Children and Start Small: Allow your child to make age-appropriate decisions. Begin by allowing children to choose their clothing, activities, and timetables; This increases self-confidence and independence.
- Active Listening Without Judgement: When your child speaks, offer them your undivided attention. Listen without passing judgment, and resist the desire to correct or provide answers immediately. Validate their feelings and demonstrate that you value their thoughts.
- Be Patient and Compassionate: Change takes time, and taking a step back might be tricky. During setbacks, practise self-compassion and remind yourself that you and your child are still growing.
- Demonstrate Trust in Their Ability: Let your youngster know you believe in their ability to make sound judgements. This will encourage children to accept responsibility for their actions and build independence.
- Embrace Imperfection: Recognise that you and your child may make mistakes. Instead of using those times to control or punish, turn them into learning opportunities. Growth occurs through trial and error.
- Seek Professional Help: Family counselling or parenting seminars can provide tools and strategies for overcoming controlling behaviours and strengthening family relations. Professional assistance can help you break old behaviours and develop better connection patterns.
- Prioritise the Relationship: Develop a trusting relationship with your child instead of demanding obedience or compliance. Connection, not control, promotes a healthier and more rewarding parent-child relationship.
As you step back and give your children more freedom, you likely notice improvements in your family dynamic. Research consistently shows that children with room to make choices and learn from mistakes develop more vital decision-making skills, resilience, and authentic relationships with their parents.
A study in the Journal of Positive Psychology (2018) found that autonomy-supportive parenting is associated with higher emotional well-being and resilience in children. You can help your child develop the tools to navigate life’s challenges with confidence and self-assurance by offering guidance instead of control.
Conclusion
Although letting go of control might be difficult, the advantages of encouraging a more autonomous, supporting attitude to parenting are huge. Accepting this road will enable you to build closer bonds with your children and support their growth into confident, self-assured people.
Parenting is not about ensuring your child satisfies every expectation or perfectionism. It’s about helping them become the people they were meant to be, loving and supporting them, and guiding them. By backing off, you help them flourish and open yourself to being a more sympathetic and understanding parent.
“The only person who is educated is the one who has learnt how to learn and change,” sensibly stated Dr. Carl Rogers. Accept the chance to grow with your kids; together, you will build a relationship strong on mutual understanding, respect, and trust.
References
Here are the references in APA style:
- Soenens, B., Vansteenkiste, M., & Luyten, P. (2010). Toward a domain-specific approach to the study of parental psychological control: Distinguishing between dependency-oriented and achievement-oriented psychological control. Journal of Personality, 78(1), 217–256.
- Cui, L., Morris, A. S., Criss, M. M., Houltberg, B. J., & Silk, J. S. (2014). Parental psychological control and adolescent adjustment: The role of adolescent emotion regulation. Parenting: Science and Practice, 14(1), 47–67.
- Schiffrin, H. H., Liss, M., Miles-McLean, H., & Geary, K. A. (2014). Helping or hovering? The effects of helicopter parenting on college students’ well-being. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 23(3), 548–557.
- Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2010). A theoretical upgrade of the concept of parental psychological control: Proposing new insights on the basis of self-determination theory. Developmental Review, 30(1), 74–99.
