Help: How to Support My Kid Overcoming Shyness!
My name is Sandra, and I am the mother of five-year-old Shiloh. Shiloh is a shy girl but very intelligent and a perfectionist. Sometimes, she is terrified to speak out in class. Last month, I enrolled her in a dancing class. She once wanted to learn to dance, but she felt timid the first day she went there and hid herself. The following day was the same, so she quit dancing. She would have gone to play with the other kids but was too timid to go over there; at home, she hides when we have visitors. How to help Shiloh to overcome shyness?
Expert’s Answer: The Shy Kids’ Tips for Reaching Full Potential
It’s normal for children to be a little shy. It’s okay for them to feel reserved around new people, prefer observing from the sidelines, or feel self-conscious. As a parent, you can provide the necessary support to help your child manage their shyness.
Here are some tips to help your kid overcome shyness :
1. Accept Her Feelings: Shyness Is Normal
Shiloh must understand that being shy is entirely OK. It’s not a flaw but a part of her personality. We should acknowledge and validate her feelings, not dismiss them or push her to be “braver.”
Recognising her emotions creates a safe space for her to process those feelings without added pressure.
You can say, “It’s OK to be shy with new people. Many people feel that way, and there’s no need to hurry.”
Those words are simple, but after hearing them many times, Shiloh will now know that she doesn’t have to push herself to be someone she isn’t and is not alone.
Psychologists Explain:
Dr Susan Cain, one of the leading psychologists studying introversion, has said that validating a child’s emotions creates an emotionally safe space and enables them to have a clear mind from which to work through anxiety.
2. Gentle Progress: Gradual Steps Toward Social Confidence
Environmental changes or big social events can seem intimidating to children like Shiloh. She should be gradually introduced to social events in little, manageable chunks. Gradual exposure will allow her to gain confidence without pushing herself too far.
Begin with one-on-one play dates or small family gatherings where she can practice interacting without pressure from a large group. Gradually increase the number of people or length of stay in that setting as she gets used to it.
What the Science Says :
In 2016, Dr Thomas Ollendick, a child psychologist, discovered that gradually introducing timid children to social situations significantly reduces social anxiety. Starting slowly, Shiloh can learn to be among others without feeling overwhelmed.
3. Focus on Effort, Not Perfection
Shiloh’s shyness may be due to her perfectionism, especially in school or social circumstances. She may hesitate to experiment with new things because she is concerned about not achieving the desired results. Focusing on her efforts can help her avoid worrying about the results.
Celebrate Shiloh’s effort instead of complimenting her for everything perfect. Say, “I’m so proud of how hard you worked on that puzzle,” not “Good job for getting everything correct.” The goal is to enable her to see why attempting can be worthwhile, even with an imperfect outcome.
Scientific Explanation (According to Dr. Carol Dweck’s “growth mindset” research)
children who are appreciated for their efforts rather than their results are more inclined to tackle problems and persevere. This modification may alleviate some of Shiloh’s pressure always to be perfect.
4. Encourage Her Passions
One of the most effective methods of assisting a shy kid in gaining confidence is to encourage the things they enjoy. Shiloh’s brilliance and perfectionism can be advantageous if she is steered towards activities she enjoys, such as painting, puzzles, and reading. She will be much less self-conscious when engrossed in them.
Assist her in finding activities she enjoys and feels competent in. Gradually expand the social side of those activities—for example, enrolling in a small, local art class or joining a reading club—so Shiloh may engage in peer engagement centred on her abilities and interests, which is far less intimidating than generic social interaction.
What the research says:
In 2020, the American Journal of Child Development published a study that found that children who are shy but given the chance to follow their passions are more likely to develop confidence. This confidence could translate to other parts of their lives, like social situations.
5. Let Your Child Feel Secure at Home
Shiloh’s home should be her sanctuary, where she may feel safe and recover after complex social interactions. It’s vital to encourage her to try new things, but she must also understand that home is a secure place to go when things get overwhelming.
Allow Shiloh to decompress after school or social engagements. Offer calm activities or alone time as needed. Later, when she is ready, gently discuss what caused her anxiety.
According to Studies ( Dr. John Bowlby’s attachment theory )
, children require a “safe base” to thrive. Shiloh may explore the world more confidently because she knows she can always return to her safe environment if needed.
6. Lead by Example: Show social confidence for Her
Children frequently model how their parents behave. Shiloh will undoubtedly pick up on your confident demeanour in a crowd. You make her realise that these can be beautiful experiences rather than scary ones.
When hosting guests, greet them pleasantly, introduce yourself, and engage in small talk. Gently encourage Shiloh to join in whenever she feels like it, but also share tales with her about times you felt shy or anxious so she understands that even adults experience those emotions.
According to a 2020 study published in The Journal of Family Psychology, Children learn best by example.
The more kids watched their parents modelling excellent social behaviour, the more likely they were to engage in it themselves. Show her how to do this or provide a road map to success in social situations.
7. Celebrate Little Wins: Progress Is Progress
Shiloh’s journey to confidence will take time, which is perfectly OK. What is crucial is that even small victories are recognised along the way. Whether one can now say hello to a new friend or stay a little longer in a social scenario, these moments should be celebrated as triumphs.
She recognises it whenever Shiloh leaves her comfort zone, even just a bit. Say things like, “I noticed you played with your friend for a little while today, That’s brave!” This positive reinforcement helps her associate these steps with pride and accomplishment.
According to Dr. Alan Kazdin, a psychologist
Positive reinforcement is a powerful way to help children build self-confidence. Dr. Alan Kazdin, a psychologist, proved that constant praise of small achievements dramatically influences a child’s self-esteem and
Final Thought
Helping a shy child like Shiloh meet her potential involves love, patience, and understanding. You give her the foundation to be confident and happy by validating her feelings, encouraging her to socialise at her own pace, focusing on effort rather than perfection, and developing her passions.
References
- Cain, S. (2012). Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. Crown Publishers.
- Ollendick, T. (2016). “Gradual Exposure Therapy for Children.” Journal of Child Psychology.
- Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
- Kazdin, A. (2008). The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
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